Do You Still Believe In Love?

Even if I am going through separation after a 15 year long relationship, I still believe that there is someone for every one. And if this ended, maybe it is because we had different people waiting for each other, and we had other people that we were waiting for.

I was never the one to put that much accent on marriage. I used to drive my mother nuts telling her that I won't get married. Well, as you know, life changes, and I did get married. And now I am getting divorced. But that's life. Some make it for life, and others ... well, for others it takes a while to find that "for life" part.

I wouldn't mind being married again. Being someone wife, having his name. Knowing that he is my husband, and all that. But I don't really like the wedding day. I know. I'm not the typical girl. I wasn't that nuts about the wedding day the first time either.

I think the wedding day should be about the two of you. About your love for each other, and how that day is about you wanting to be together, live together, and face goods and bads together. Not about how many guests you have, and what traditions to follow, and how to entertain every body. They should be there for you, and not the other way around. They should celebrate you, and try to make your day special for you. Because the two of you should be the center of attention, not the guests.

But I've always had a different view on things and the world. So I know that each dreams in their own way.

If I get married again, I want it to be about us. About me and the wonderful man standing next to me. I want us to be happy with whatever decision we make. If we both decide we want to get married on the beach, I want next to us people who would encourage us to have the happiest day of our lives. Who will support our decision and be happy for us, and with us.

Love isn't just about that love feeling. It is also about finding that someone who understands you. Who it is like you, or who likes how you are, even if they are different, and they don't try to change you. Love is about having that "I can tell you anything" feeling. Or, "I can't wait to get home to you". It is about supporting one another, encouraging one another, and helping one another.

This is how I see love. And I am sure that this exists.



Photo credit: pixabay

 

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How Life Changes

It's been so long since I haven't written anything here. My life changed so much. I finally had the courage to leave the marriage I was in. It was hard as hell, and there are moments when I still struggle, but I also know that this is what had to be done.

It is not easy. Who ever tells you that breaking up and divorcing is easy, they are either lying, or they were never truly committed. Everything hurts. From the breakup itself, to living the place you used to call home for so much time, 13 years in my case ... a full grown child, if you want to think of it this way. To having no job, just a few money that you managed to make here and there, and a dream that you don't want to give up again to.

You are moving back to your parents house in your 30's, and it is just as bad as you imagined it would be. Not because they would not be supportive in any way, because they are, they truly are, but you feel like you've stepped back instead of going forward.

It is still hard to talk about all these things. I have been thinking about writing them for a while now, and I couldn't, because the feeling is overwhelming. The only thing making me write this is thinking that maybe it will help someone. Maybe someone went through the same thing and seeing that they are not alone will help them, in a way.

You get used to a lot of things, and all of a sudden you don't have them anymore. And that also hurts. And you need to adjust yourself to the new reality and the new environment.

You're up, and you're down, and now you have it all together, just to crumble in the next second, and get back up again after. Separation after a long period of time, a long relationship, in which you lived together and made plans for the future together, and never thought it would end, hurts like hell. I don't know how else to describe it. Again, even if you know you've made the best choice, it still hurts, it is still hard, and you still have moments when you question yourself.


Every time I had doubts, I asked myself:

- Does the problem still exist?

     - Yes.

- Do you think it can be solved?

     - No.

- Can you live with that problem?

     - No.

Then this continues to be the solution.


There are moments when you have no idea where to go, what to do, and where to start from. But there are also good moments, when you calm yourself down, and you have that "I'm gonna be ok" feeling. And that is precious. You surrender to God and His grace, and everything becomes so peaceful. The voices stop, the doubt subsides, the nausea passes, and you just feel good. You're good.

Don't make a list with things you have to do. Chances are you might not start any of them. Just take them one at the time. Do the first thing you know you should. When that is done, do the next thing. When that is done, do the next thing. And so on. You are already overwhelmed, what's the point on putting more pressure on you?

Have plans. Stick to them. Make goals. Follow them. Keep yourself busy, so you can get over it. But don't arrange your entire day. Just take it step by step.

Do the first right thing: get out of bed. Do the next right thing: brush your teeth. Then the next right thing .... and so on.

You can do it. You are not alone. There are so many going through the same thing as you are. And we are all hard sometimes, and good sometimes. And we all just try to go through it, and survive. Life goes on. And you will find happiness again. And you will find love again. And you will get a job again. And you will make your dream come true. And you will be fine. Just trust it. You will be fine. Nothing can kill you if you won't let it.



Photo credit: pixabay


If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal