All Went Down From There

I have heard people talking about how your inner confrontations, and the unbalance of your life can affect your health, but until you actually experiment it on your own, it is all just a tale. You know you have a decision to make, one that will change every thing around you, and turn your life, as you knew it, at 180. 

You experiment every inch of your body itching like crazy. Places that you never knew could itch, you find out not only that it can, but it can do it for so long that it just drives you nuts. Your whole body is aching, and you feel every single muscle contracting and hurting. And your heart ... your heart is hurting worst than everything put together. And no medicine is helping. Because there isn't anything that can help, except you, making that decision, and having no idea what you will do next.

Where will you go? How will you get by? You've started a business that isn't working, but you can't quite shut it down because you've invested a lot in it, and if you can barely keep it floating now, you hope that if you last a bit longer, it might actually take off and start bringing money, saving you financially.

You have the parent's house, but you also have your divorced parents living in it, and they make you their referee every time you're there. Now imagine living with them again. Like it's not bad enough on your mental health that your moving back with your parents in your 30's.

When everybody else is starting their families, or enjoying what they built years ago, you're crushing your life, and starting over. Alone. No family of your own. No children. No job. No money. And a business that eats up every minute you have available in every day, without rewarding you in any way financially.

You've been down. So down that you felt flat on the bathroom floor. It took a long time, and quite a lot of therapy and external help to get back on track. And now you realize that everything you fought so hard to get back to was all in your head: the idea that things will change, that he will fall in love with you again ... if you say this, if you do that, if you agree to this ... when is it ever going to be enough? Enough hoping, enough believing, enough waiting?

People tend to say "try more". How much more? Does anyone know the years you've tried for? The tears you shed? The emptiness in your heart you felt every day? The ache of your soul? The fake smile you've learned to show when you felt like screaming from the top of your lungs, roaring like a lion? The desire to end all. The illusion you sold yourself that at some point it will be better again? If I lose that much weight, if I do more make-up, if I act like this, if I wear that ... When is it enough for everybody to say "she did everything, it just wasn't working anymore"?

You never know how your life will turn out. Nobody says "I do" thinking is going to be fun for a year or two, and then they'll see. They all say it forever. Hoping it will be forever. Believing their love could never diminish that much to get to divorce. And yet, that happens.

How is it all going to be? How will you survive, when all you have is yourself?



Photo credit: pixabay


If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal 

First Time

He used to fixate me with his look. Every time I was passing by, he was there, looking straight into my eyes. I wanted to move my look, but I never seemed to could. It wasn’t love or anything, but ... it was nice. I knew he liked me, I could see it in his eyes. In the way he was reacting when I was showing up.

I remember the day he started seeing me differently. We saw each other on the street, each moving to a different direction, he saw me and had a shift. Something happened in that moment when he caught my look. I don’t know if I can explain it. I see it in the people that fall in love. That moment when you see someone you’ve seen a million times before, but now you really see them. His eyes got bigger, he had a little flinch, and he was looking as if he would see me for the first time, with a combination of “I hoped I will see you today”.

On another day we met again on the street. He introduced himself and acted just like a school boy. He was goofy, and weird and cute, all at the same time. I was wondering what his name was, and now I knew.  It was nothing like the name I had for him in my head, but I was expecting to be something else.

He asked if I was alone, and I told him my husband is on his way home. It was weird. It was the first time when I said “husband” with a quieter voice. I wasn’t trying to hide that I had a husband, he knew I did, he seen him. I just knew he wasn’t acting like a husband for a long time, and I felt weird calling him that. Giving him the attribute of what he stopped being years ago. I had guys gushing over me before, and some of them I found them to be really cute and would have liked something more if I hadn't been in a relationship, but this time was so different that it surprised me. I wasn’t thinking at anything romantic towards the man in front of me, yet, it was the first time I didn’t want to give my husband the attribute that he wasn’t making use of anymore. It was the first time that I wished I was free.

We both left, each for his home, but something changed. I don’t know from his part, but for me it did. I was left with this feeling of emptiness, wanting to break out and stop all this “relationship” which wasn’t consuming as a marriage, but it wasn’t letting me be free either.

I said I won’t love again. Maybe this is what’s stopping me from feeling anything like that towards this cute guy that was clearly interested in me.

I am honoring something that isn’t there anymore. And I can’t help wondering, “is he honoring our partnership too? or is this just a one way street?”



Photo credit: pixabay

 

If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal 

Is Cheating A Choise?

I was watching a video about a couple who fell in love, got married, had a child ... showing how their love was, and how they took care of each other when they were sick. Just one of those videos that people do lately, that is staged - edited and produced - to actually speak about something. And in this video, the man had a night out with the guys, while a woman appeared in the scenery and she kept trying to get his attention.

The man thinks at the possibility of trying something with her, but decides to leave her a note, that said: "someday when you will be a wife and a mother, would you like a woman like you to try to take your husband away?".

Now, what is wrong with this scene?

First of all, the blame is put all on the woman 🤔 - Maybe she didn't know he was taken. Maybe she didn't see the wedding ring. Or, if they are just in a relationship, not married, he wouldn't have a wedding ring on, so how would she know he has someone waiting for him at home?

And just to be clear, this applies to both men and women. I'm using the male example simply because the video was about a man and his experience with this type of situation. But, it can absolutely go both ways.

Maybe she did see the wedding ring, but, for some reason, she decides to proceed with this, still staring at him. Of course he's going to notice. You can always feel when someone is looking at you persistently. Do you look back? Maybe smile? Maybe more looks and smiles? In this case, who's to blame? The woman for trying, or the man for accepting it and responding?

Well ... both. If she knows he is taken - either by seeing the wedding ring, or by him telling her so - and she continues to pursue him, it is her fault. Just as much as it is his fault for accepting her, and pursuing her back, even if he knows he has back home exactly what she has to offer.

When is it ALL her fault? Never. Why? Because she is trying. Maybe she knows he's taken, maybe she doesn't. For whatever reasons, she keeps trying.

When is it ALL his fault? When he knows he is taken, but he accepts the other woman.

So, you see, the biggest fault comes to the one who engages into this type of situation, even if he/she knows they already are involved with someone else. All the situations that you witness your friends go through, while she finds out that he was cheating, and she attacks the woman he was cheating with ... that's wrong. She was free to pursue him, but he wasn't free to receive it. And, again, the same goes for the other way around, when she is pursuing and he finds out.

If the pursuer knew the person was engaged in a relationship, and kept acting upon it, it is both their fault if they go further. If the pursuer had no idea the other person was in another relationship, it is all the fault of the person who already had a relationship.

And, trust me, I understand better than anyone that things are not always black and white, they are not even grey all the time, but mostly different kind of colors. I know and I understand that all kind of situations can occur - the person is somewhat trapped in the relationship by some type of abuse or any other situation that doesn't really leave place for a separation - I know a friend who's girlfriend was threatening her own life if he left her, and actually tried it, in the end they got married, but he cheated on her right after.

So, I know, things are in a diverse range of colors. This is not to post fingers at the person doing this, or to judge anyone. This is simply to make people understand that solely accusing the person they cheat with is wrong. because most of the times they had no idea the other person was in another relationship. Pretty difficult thing to take into consideration when you caught them and rage takes over making all rationality fly off the window. But, maybe, in a split of a second, this will come to mind.



Photo credit: pixabay

 

If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal 

How To Create Your Happiness

I read a "story" at some point, in which a woman is asked if her husband makes her happy, and she says "No", but that her husband isn't there to make her feel happy, that that would be a too big responsibility for any person, to bring happiness in someone's life. - Great words. Really great words.

I remember one time, my husband came home, he hugged and kiss me, as we always did when one of us was coming or leaving, and I had a bad day. Nothing in particularly happened, I just wasn't feeling all that good inside for a while now. So I looked at him and said "I'm not happy", and then I hold him.

I was expecting him to do something about it. I was looking for work and couldn't find anything, I felt like everything I was starting was failing in one way or another, I couldn't find my place in the world, we were having problems ... I was just feeling like everything was wrong. And I was expecting him to do something about it. I was expecting him to understand that I wasn't happy, and at least for us to try to mend our relationship, because somewhere in my mind, if that worked, I would be happy.

He didn't say anything. No response, no gesture. And I remember I got even more upset, thinking "why isn't he doing anything? or saying anything? I'm telling him that I am not happy, I am being honest, and I'm trying to at least repair our problems, and he isn't doing anything". And I stayed upset for a long time, until I read that. The answer the woman gave. And that was when I realized that he wasn't responsible for my happiness. I was. I had to find happiness in me and through me, not ask it from someone else. I took him as a husband, not a buffoon. At the most, he was supposed to not be the cause of my unhappiness, but not be totally responsible for my happiness.

Yes we had problems, yes they were still there, but at least now I understood that regardless if those problems were solved or not, I might still feel the same, because it had to come from inside me, the healing, the peace and happiness I was expecting it from outside.

I'm still working on myself, take it one day at a time, but at least now I do it from a different point of view. Now I am not looking for happiness in someone else, in their words, or actions, but in me. In what I want to do. In what makes me happy, and what makes me smile.

As the woman said, it is a big responsibility to place your happiness on someone else's shoulders. Just as big and heavy as someone placing it on your shoulders. Imagine having to live your life being careful at every step you take and every word you say, in order to make someone's happiness. Seeing their disappointed look every time they were expecting something else to happen. That is surely not normal, and way to heavy for anyone to take on.

Every one is responsible for their own happiness. Not the person next to us, not the animal living with us, not the weather, not the boss, not the people we meet every day. We are responsible for our own happiness. And this is how it should be.



Photo credit: pixabay

 

If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal 

Children Don't Belong To Us

The first time I heard this, my mind jumped three stores through the roof. "Our children don't belong to us"?

How can they not? I was thinking about all my friends who struggled so much to get pregnant, going through so many procedures, spending so much money, sometimes affecting their relationship, because it turned into a time table, rather than a loving couple's time. You carry that child for 9 months, give or take, fighting with your body who, sometimes, it feels like he's trying to torture you with all the morning sickness - by the way, their not only in the morning 🥴 - the child choosing all the painful places to sit on - like your bladder, or stomach, or your spine - you're going through labor - which, if you are lucky, you're getting off in a few hours - you're going through everything imaginable and unimaginable to raise that child, give them a proper education, and trying to make sure they have everything they need, and they are not missing anything, and, at the end of everything, that child doesn't belong to us?

Then whom do they belong to? - To Themselves.

Read that again, and read it well, because that is the pure truth.

And I understood this after listening to some true stories lately, and observing how some of my friends think of their children and their future together.

A couple of parents had trouble with money. The wife went to another country to work, made money to send home, but she also fell in love with someone else and left her husband and their child for the new life. The father raised the child, dedicating himself completely to the child's education, care and love, giving all his time, and saying he didn't want to date anyone, because he wanted to make sure his daughter has everything he needs from him. He raised her for 13 years. The child didn't want anything to do with her mother which she felt abandoned her. Until one day when her mother called her to the country she was now living in, and the daughter moved there, and the father was left alone.

A friend was planning a divorce, thinking she will move into a new town with her child. In every fight the child and the father had, she was always on the boy's side, no matter if he was wrong or wright. She was always talking about the sacrifices she made and will make for her son, the love she had for him, and how she saw her future life - the child was always nearby in the story. So I've asked if she knows that one day her child will make a life of his own.

- "Yes", she said.
- "And maybe that life might be far from you".
- "He won't go far, he loves me too much, he always says he never wants to leave me."
- "Did you love your parents so much that you told them, and truly believed it, that you never want to leave them?"
- "Yes" - she was now in doubt.
- "And yet you moved to another town, far away from them, seeing each other on holidays, when that was possible. And not because you stopped loving them, but because you made your own life, following your own course".

Just like we didn't belong to our parents, and we always knew better, and we wanted to be left alone to try things, and fail on our own, and make our own mistakes, or right choices, the same happens with our children. From the moment we give birth to them, they enter their own path. A path which might involve us, or not.

Your life is not your children. Your life is your life. It belongs to you. Your children are the people you love like no one else. And letting them have their own life, and their own course, doesn't mean you love them any less. Choosing to date after break up, choosing to do something that is good for you, doesn't mean you love them any less. It only means that you are living your life too.

Children will leave. Sooner or later, they will go on their way. Love them while you have them next to you, but also live your life.The best way to make your children happy is for them to see you happy. If you are happy, you are balanced, and able to take care of them, and you will be an example for them, far more than just by telling them what they should do, but by actually showing them what they should do.



Photo credit: pixabay


If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal