Surviving Divorce

I don't remember anything harder that I had to do, then going through the separation that I am going right now. Fifteen years. Fifteen years of relationship, and thirteen of living together, and now I am here, back in my parents house, separated from my husband and asking for a divorce.

How is it? Like hell. I'm not gonna lie to you. There are good days, and bad days, and there are the days when they merge and one moment you're fine, and the other you're a mess.

The fear is always there.

"Am I doing the right thing? Is this how it should be? Is this where we should have gotten to? Could he had changed? Could things be better? Is this a mistake? Am I ruining everything? Will I be able to take care of myself? Will i be able to do something with my life? Are these just dreams that I have in my mind, or is it something that I can really do, and that I should do? Will I ever find someone again? Will I have a family? Someone to be on the same frequency as me? To love me and to love back? Will I be happy? Will I have children? ....... " - and the list goes on and on with so many questions that you feel like all you do all day is finding ways to answer those question and survive through them.

It is hard. Damn hard. Even if I was the one who took this decision, the one who left only with the things that were hers (I did my best to only take what was mine, and really, really, just a few things that they were fitted for me, and he wouldn't have use of), because this is how I felt inside. When I was thinking of certain stuff that we've accumulated over the years, I had a gut feeling, guiding me to what I should take, and what I shouldn't.

My husband has a good status. He has a business (well, his father does, but he is working alongside him, and he is well taken cared off), he has enough money to live with less worries than other people, but he also works a lot for that business to keep it running. They all do. So, it wasn't money made easy or anything, it was hard, solid work behind it and they all deserve every penny. And they are also really good heart people, so they richly deserve everything they have.

I had a nice home, I had the means to take care of it, the means to be a stay at home person, which had the liberty to choose what she wanted to invest her time into. But, yet, I never felt like that money was mine. When I was helping with the business, doing things that I was good at, on the English part of the job, I felt useful and things were easier. Also, when I had my different jobs (cause throughout the relationship I worked here and there and earned money) I was feeling different. But, our problem wasn't money, or the fact that I was working or not. I am still struggling whether to talk about our problems or not. I do know that everyone will understand better my decision for leaving if they know what the problems were, but I still have something in me holding me back, because the big reason is so private that even the fact that no one knows my real name and face, it still makes me think 100 times before talking about it.d last year I told him I can't do it anymore, and that this is the last year I can afford to wait for a change, because time is running, and I can't wait forever, ten years are enough. I told him that by the end of the year I want to end ties with everything that isn't working and start doing what I should do to put my life back in order, even if that means it might kill me, I have to do it. And I did. I don't think he believed I would do it, because it wasn't the only time I said I would leave.

One month before I left, I told him I want to separate, that we are not working as a couple anymore, and it is not fair to either one of us to stay together in this situation and things are obviously not working anymore, and not changing either. I've told him that it is not an ultimatum, I am not trying to obtain something, that I am serious, and I will leave. It is not a game. I stayed for one month before I packed and left. One month in which we didn't speak.

After I left we had quite a few talks ... I don't think we've talked that much about some of the problems in all our 15 years together ... and he finally seemed to understand, but I still couldn't go back. I wasn't trying to be cocky or anything, but how can I believe that things will change when they haven't for ten years? Why now? Why all of a sudden there was a way? Before I was nuts ... now I am right. It doesn't work this way. I was there. For ten years I was there next to him, telling him we have a problem, telling him that I love him, and I want a family with him, and I want us to work things out. For the past year I kept telling him that I will end things if nothing changes, that I really can't do it anymore, that I am 35, and I need to change things, because time is running. Maybe I might not feel like 35, maybe I might not look like 35, but I still can't wait forever for something that never seems to change.

Leaving the house with my luggage was absolutely the hardest thing I had to do in my life so far. It broke me in ways I never thought I could be broken. It simply squeezed and torn my heart to the point that I could barely breath.

People tend to say "you wanted this". No! I didn't want this. I wanted a family with the man I loved for the past 15 years. I wanted a child with him. I married him hoping that we will live forever together. I didn't choose this. I chose to leave a situation that I could no longer be in. I chose to leave something that was killing me day by day. It took me two months to get the courage to tell him I want to separate. To actually say the words. I can not explain to you what was happening inside me the moment I left the man I had next to me for the past 15 years. To leave the place I called home for the past 13 years. I felt sick, actually sick, with nausea and headaches, and I had my rash go crazy on me - which I got during those two months when I kept trying to tell him we need to separate. That, literally, was the hardest thing and moment of my life so far.

I read somewhere that it is not hard to let go of the past, but actually it is hard to give up on the future we imagined to be. Of a possible future.

I don't hate my husband. I will never hate my husband. I will always have respect and love and compassion for my husband. If we got here, is because this is how things had to happen. Maybe this is all we had. Maybe we had less and we stretched it as much as we could. I have to believe that God has a plan for it. Maybe I had to write more, and help more people who are going through what I am going and maybe they don't have anyone to talk to, or anyone to relate to. I do believe that there is a bigger plan. That maybe I am here to help others. And I am telling you with my hand on my heart, if there are people who find comfort in this, who are helped in any way by the stories of my going through this, than I am good, and I will be good, because that means I am doing God's work, and God's plan, and this is how it had to happen. Maybe there were others who needed a voice to help them, and guide them, and all this wasn't in vain, it was to help others who needed it.



 Photo credit: Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay

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Alone on New Year Eve

This was the very first time I was alone on New Year. Since I left my husband and moved back to my parent's house, by some chain of events, I decided to spend New Year on my own.

First I had someone giving me a free ticket to a party. I took it, but I didn't had that feeling like this is what I should be doing that night, so I gave it back. Shocking, I know, since it was free, but it wasn't what I felt like I needed.

Than I've talked to some friends and decided to go at the restaurant they were going. And that idea stuck for a couple of days, when I didn't feel it as the right one either. Plus, that I would have had to spend a part of the money I had saved before New Year, and that didn't settle all that well with me, especially since I needed the money for something else. So, I finally said no to these friends as well.

Then, around three days before New Year's Eve, a restaurant picture popped up on my Instagram account, announcing a discount (a really big one), to a New Year's Eve party, and the menu was almost royalty like. It was a bit less than what my friends were spending where they were celebrating, and I have to say I've contemplated it for a night or so. But, then, that feeling came back. It wasn't what I was sensing like I should do. And, of course, the money factor was weighing in again. So, I said to myself that I'll do it home alone, since I was going to be home alone anyway.

I've stacked on snacks, prepared what I wanted to watch on Netflix, and about two hours before midnight, I've decided to get dressed really warm - and you have no idea how many layers I had on me - and go out to town's square and see the fireworks. They've been amazing, a true magical show every year, so I felt like this was the perfect thing that I could do. And you know what? It felt right. Just right. Of course that deciding that late, and since it was New Year's, the buses and subways were rare, and I've arrived about a minute or two after it started. But it was so fun. All the people on the subway, that were also late as I was, we all ran towards the exit to catch the fireworks. We were all laughing, looking behind to see if we are all coming. Some were in pairs, some were with a group of friends, some were alone, and somehow, it felt like we were all together. As if we knew each other. I can't explain the feeling, but it was really nice. I got out of the subway, and still got a few good minutes of the fireworks - I'm pretty sure there were more than 10 minutes - and I loved it.

This was the feeling I was looking for. That feeling that "this is right". When you have that peace inside you, it means that this is what you should have done. This is the choice you should have made, the road you should have walked on. And I had that peace. I took a walk after, passing two subway entrances, because I just wanted to observe the city, to let it all in. The joy, the New Year, the beginning, the happiness and peace I was feeling, the smile on my face and the smile on the other people's faces, the many people that were out on the street, walking, just like me ... they were all making me feel so good. This was what I was supposed to choose. This was how I was supposed to spend my New Year's Eve, and I've loved every minute.

I came home with a big smile on my face, with a sense of happiness and peace in my heart, and with the joy for the many miracles that I knew they were coming. If my heart and my intuition can guide me to something that turned out so beautiful, and gave me so much joy, even if I was alone, but not making me feel like I was alone, than I know that my heart, my intuition, God and the entire Universe will guide me always towards my highest good.

Listen to your heart. She will always know what's best for you, because she will always be the decoder of the messages that God, Angels and the Universe are sending to you.

Listen to your heart. God is speaking to you through it.



Photo credit: Gerd Altmann from Pixabay


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CRY - It Will Do You Good

I have been so afraid, for so long, to cry. I always believed that if I cry I'm not strong anymore, that I will collapse, and I won't be able to stop crying, that I'll seem too sensitive, and others will manipulate me or take advantage of me ... in a word, I thought that if I cry I'm doomed. So, I had to fight, and be strong, and keep it together.

Even now, when I left the house I spent 13 years in with my husband (until we are divorced, he is still my husband), when I got back to my parents house, trying to start my life over again, and fight all these horrible feelings, I still was holding myself from crying.

"Crying won't solve anything". "Crying won't change things". "Crying won't make things better". - and this is where I was most wrong. Crying MAKES things better. And, yes, I had to put it in caps because I want you to understand how adamant I am about this. Crying makes things better. It doesn't changes what happened, it doesn't take you back, but it makes your heart so much better.

All the pain, all the hurt, all that feeling like a vise is squeezing your heart, all that fades in a big part after you have a good cry. Crying is good. Crying lightens your soul. It takes the burden off of it, and it does make you feel better, lighter, like you can go through another day, take a bit more, and keep standing through all.

I don't want you to go to the extremes. Crying is good, but if you're doing it all day, every day, for every silly thing that happens, that's no longer releasing tension, that is just acting childishly, and this is no way of getting out of the hurt and pain you are in.

So, cry. All of you who feel the need to cry, who feel like your heart is so heavy, and the pain is so unbearable ... cry, and let your heart and soul breath. Because this is how they breath.

Your emotions are made to be let out. Good or bad, they should not be bottled up inside. Because bottled emotions lead to diseases (dis-ease). I was just reading a message from someone earlier on, and that hit so hard, that I felt it in my heart. I just started crying. I was on the floor, with my heart so full, and I just let it all out. I thought I won't be able to stop. I thought I won't be able to feel good again. That when I will stop crying, I will still feel the same, just as bad, or even worst, because crying was supposed to make everything worst. But, it didn't. It really didn't. I stopped crying, and when I did, I was OK. I felt lighter, and I felt like I can go on.

I remembered what I have to do, what my plans are, what strategy I made to achieve my plans, and I got up. It wasn't anything like in the movies :) There was no strong look, there was no motivational music on the background. It was just me, and my thoughts, and the, somewhat peace, I felt inside, because I had a plan, I had a trajectory, I had something in mind, I wasn't just going blind in.

What if all you're dreaming of, can come true? What if you are destined to be more, and do more? I truly desire to be able to help people. Either it is through my personal experiences and the lessons I've learned throughout my life and that I talk about here, on my blog, either it is through the rolls I am portraying in the movies, I truly wish I can reach those who need it. And if at least one person is touched, healed, helped in any way, or they know they are not alone in this, then I am happy. I won't stop, I'll keep doing the things that I am doing, but with each one of you that finds any type of comfort in my writing or acting, I will feel the drive to keep on doing it, and I am experiencing a happiness and gratitude that I wish upon all of you.

So, cry, beautiful soul, if this is what you feel like doing. Cry and let your heart and soul breath. And when you're done crying, get up, with no music, and with no one to help you get up, if there is no one there, and do your thing, because now you are stronger. You cried ... and you didn't die, and the sky didn't fall, and you're still standing ... and you're actually feeling better.



Photo credit: pixabay

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