YOU are NOT Alone

My life is a succession of ups and downs. I have periods of time when I enjoy life, I am happy, appreciative for everything I have and the people around me, I feel love, joy, willingness to live, to let myself embrace all the love I receive, and just allow myself to feel like I can be anyone and do anything.

But I also have dark periods, when I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders, like everything is falling on me squashing me under, I feel like there are so many bad things happening, one after another, and I just can't get a break. I loose my breath, I feel tiny getting bombarded from all around, and all I can think of is that there are so many, and I am only one.

When these dark periods happen, it takes a while to get out of it, especially when there are a lot of bad events happening one after another, like an endless loop. But, at some point, I have no idea how, I find myself having a different mood, a better mood. I surprise myself happy, optimistic and full of life, and that moment is incredible. In that moment I am afraid to remember how bad I was, because I fear not to fall back into it. So I enjoy what I have and all I can do is to hope and pray that I never go through that again, never feel like that again.

There are a lot of moment when I wish I could just be normal ... thinking that normal is living without ever feeling like this. I don't know what normal means. I only know what it means to me, because to someone else "normal" might have a different signification. And I don't know if other live their life the same, going through feeling really bad, and then feeling really good.

But, if you are going through the same things in your life, you should definitely know that YOU are NOT alone.



Photo credit: myself ... this photo can not be used without mentioning the source.


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Crying in the Bathroom

Feeling so down and hopeless. Like there's no tomorrow. Like this is where everything ends. An emptiness inside that takes over your entire being, it drains all your power leaving you so tired, so lonely.

You think that it is absolutely impossible to feel so down and lost when you actually have so much. You have a home to go to, a bed to sleep in, a life partner who doesn't stop showing you how much they love you and how much you mean to them, a family for whom you are so incredibly precious, maybe a great job, maybe some children to whom you are the center of the Universe ... and, yet ... you feel like you have nothing to live for. No hope, no perspective, no life.

How is it possible? How can you have so much and still fell like you have nothing at all? How can you be someone's reason to live when you feel like you can't find your place in your own life? How can you possibly be someone's whole world while you're feeling like there is no room for you in this world?

You still feel like this is too intimate and private to share it with anyone, so you lock yourself in the bathroom, and let the water run over you while you cry your pain. This pain that it squeezes you, it compresses every vain in your body feeling like blood is struggling to run through it, it blocks your air and tightens your stomach, and you feel like you're dying second by second. You cry until there are no more tears left ...

And then, you get up, wash your face, dry up, get dressed and go back into the world where you wish you could belong and keep looking for your place there, your happiness, a little space where you can finally feel at peace. Where you finally feel like you belong, and everything falls into place ... and now you are peaceful, calm, emotionally and mentally stable ... and now you are finally happy. Enjoy this feeling, and hope it will last you forever.



Photo credit: pixabay


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Forgiveness

Somebody hurt my feelings pretty bad a short while back and I have to admit that this is still tormenting me. I keep finding myself remembering what she said, the way she said it, her intention to hurt me by ruining a beautiful moment for me, and it still make me so nervous that I just froze and said nothing ... I just let myself get hurt and didn't reply to it. Why? Because you grow up being taught that you shouldn't respond hate with hate, that you have to be the bigger person and let it go, that bad people aren't good Christians, and so on...

So you keep quiet. You let yourself get it without striking back. And the moment passes ... everything goes back to how it used to be, the friend acts like nothing happened, and you think that maybe it was a good idea for not reacting ... until she does it again, and then all you think of is that she would have never had the audacity to do it again if you would have stand up for yourself in the first place.

So this time you can't forgive, and you can't forget, and you're tossing and turning all night long reliving the moment over and over again, telling her everything you wanted to say in the first place. But, that still doesn't help. You still feel the knot in the stomach, the rush of blood through your veins and the ache that is taking over your entire head.

Time passes also, but this time you find yourself not forgiving the person anymore. You still go out from time to time, talk, spend time together, but you never trust her again, because something inside you isn't letting you forget anymore the pain you felt the last time.

So ... I am asking myself ... can we really forgive people? Are we forgiving but not forgetting? Are we really forgiving them if we can't forget what happened? I do know the saying "I forgave you, I just can't forget", but maybe we don't actually forgive.

Have you seen how you tend to hold back when it comes to someone who hurt you repeatedly in the past? You don't share secrets anymore, or personal information, you don't look for that person anymore and you just change towards her.



Photo credit: image from pixabay edited by me


If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

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Watching Joy

Lately I've found a new passion in watching real case movie stories. I feel like there is a power behind these kind of movies, seeing how others chose to live their lives, what mistakes they made and how they surpassed them, how they found their success or overcome failure.

So I've watched "Joy", the Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro movie and it gave me that wonderful feeling like I could do anything, like I could move mountains, swim an entire ocean, swift the Universe to run my way, own my life and actually make something I can say I am extremely proud I did it.

Do you ever get that feeling? Like there is nothing stopping you, there is no match for you, like you've found your strength to be the one you've always dreamed of being. The feeling that is making you feel so wonderful, strong, happy, powerful ... it's running through your veins and takes over every little part of your body, invading every cell, changing you anatomically to he core, making you a way better version of yourself, so full of hope, dreams and the sense of "this time I'm really gonna make it", "I can do this".

So you start doing the thing you've been thinking of for ages, you work frantically on it late through the night, blood is rushing, heart beats faster, ideas pour in, and you can barely keep up with how much you have in you. You're enthusiastic and alive, and you love every second of it. You go to bed and barely manage to fall asleep because you're mind is going 100 miles an hour ... and you finally cave into sleep, filled with the promise that this time you'll go all the way, you'll make your dream come true and you will become whom you've always wanted.

Morning comes ... you wake up ... your usual life starts ... you're tired from sleeping just a few hours the night before and your enthusiasm drops, and you think that you'll do it, you just have to start it when you get back home, and then, after a good night sleep, and so on. The more time goes, the less optimistic you are. "There is also tomorrow" ... "I don't have to hurry, this is something important that needs to be done right".

I know I'll lose my eagerness and passion, that I'll forget how much I've wanted to do and be ... but now ... I just want to enjoy this wonderful feeling that is making me light-headed ... the feeling that I can finally be who I've always wanted ... right now, I can finally be me ... and I LOVE IT.



Photo credit: pixabay

 

If this helped you in any way, you can donate a little something to help me keep going. No amount is too small, but it is deeply appreciated. Thank you :)

 

 

 Donations : PayPal