I used to think that I don't deserve things. That maybe I'm not good enough, or doing good enough, or working hard enough. There was never enough. Not from my part. The world was doing good, but not me. I felt like I needed to push myself more, harder, further. Take less breaks and be more present.
What I never realized was that I was doing enough. Quite a lot. But it took me a while to see that and understand it. I changed my therapist, and the new one asked me put down on a piece of paper everything I did that day, but not less than three things. At first I didn't want to put down me going to the store, or sweeping the floor, or washing my hair, for example, because I didn't think those matter. but he explained to me that it does, and they were done by me. I was taking time out of my day to do those.
Once I started putting everything down, slowly I understood that I was doing a lot in one day. And the breaks I took during them, or when I was getting tired, those are the same breaks that any employee took while they were at work. I am working for home, but it's still work. No matter how successful has been till now or not. I was putting time in it, and acting like any other person on this Earth, while they are at their job. Then I understood I was doing a lot.
Because the business I was working for wasn't bringing money, I was feeling like it was my fault, like it was my failure, like I'm not doing enough, not working enough, not doing more, not having the right ideas, and so on. I kept thinking that if I did more, if I were better, if I had better ideas, better work ethic, all these would lead to success. But I had all those, the business just didn't work for me. Not because I wasn't putting enough in it, but because it just didn't. It wasn't my fault.
And then I started to understand that I deserved things. When I understood that I am working a lot, and putting a lot into the business, the fact that it was successful or not, wasn't a consequence of my work, but just how things were. Some work, some don't. Sometimes things happen because they have to happen this way, because you might have to do something else. There is another destiny.
It's not easy. I can tell you that. To work that much and for so long for something that brings you nothing in return, but actually screws with your psychic, your emotions and your faith in yourself, that's a lot. It's also not easy to give up something that you put so much time and energy into it. And it is especially hard to quite the idea of "what if?". What if I did more. What if I find a way? What if I get a great idea? What if it starts working? What if? ... Even if the business you have isn't bringing you any money, it's still hard to close it. Because then you would be unemployed. Even if, as I said, you don't get money out of it now. It would be exactly the same if you close it. Or, maybe even a bit better, cause you might find someone to sell it to, and you can recover some of the money you've put into it. But it's still scary to close everything.
I know what I'm supposed to do. I know who I'm supposed to be. And I am finally on that road, on that path. But until you can actually get there, it's hard not to think, what if? You are waiting to get to that place where everything fell into place and you are finally happy and secure, so you can actually let go of that thing that didn't work.
And I'm not going to get into all the "you should be happy regardless, and not wait for happiness to happen when this or that happens". This will be a discussion for another time.
Think of what you do. Put it down on a piece of paper, on a notebook or something, and do it daily. Chances are you won't realize at first how much you are actually doing, because you are set to read between the lines, and only see the time you waste, not the time you are doing things. But you will get there. It took me more than a month to realize it. And I was writing every night what I did during the day.
Trust me, you are worthy! You deserve good things! You deserve time for yourself, and a break, and you deserve a lot, because you are doing a lot. And if something didn't work out, it's not because you haven't done your best, it might be because sometimes things just don't work out, regardless of how much time and effort you put into it.
You deserve good things. You do!
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