I don't remember anything harder that I had to do, then going through the separation that I am going right now. Fifteen years. Fifteen years of relationship, and thirteen of living together, and now I am here, back in my parents house, separated from my husband and asking for a divorce.
How is it? Like hell. I'm not gonna lie to you. There are good days, and bad days, and there are the days when they merge and one moment you're fine, and the other you're a mess.
The fear is always there.
"Am I doing the right thing? Is this how it should be? Is this where we should have gotten to? Could he had changed? Could things be better? Is this a mistake? Am I ruining everything? Will I be able to take care of myself? Will i be able to do something with my life? Are these just dreams that I have in my mind, or is it something that I can really do, and that I should do? Will I ever find someone again? Will I have a family? Someone to be on the same frequency as me? To love me and to love back? Will I be happy? Will I have children? ....... " - and the list goes on and on with so many questions that you feel like all you do all day is finding ways to answer those question and survive through them.
It is hard. Damn hard. Even if I was the one who took this decision, the one who left only with the things that were hers (I did my best to only take what was mine, and really, really, just a few things that they were fitted for me, and he wouldn't have use of), because this is how I felt inside. When I was thinking of certain stuff that we've accumulated over the years, I had a gut feeling, guiding me to what I should take, and what I shouldn't.
My husband has a good status. He has a business (well, his father does, but he is working alongside him, and he is well taken cared off), he has enough money to live with less worries than other people, but he also works a lot for that business to keep it running. They all do. So, it wasn't money made easy or anything, it was hard, solid work behind it and they all deserve every penny. And they are also really good heart people, so they richly deserve everything they have.
I had a nice home, I had the means to take care of it, the means to be a stay at home person, which had the liberty to choose what she wanted to invest her time into. But, yet, I never felt like that money was mine. When I was helping with the business, doing things that I was good at, on the English part of the job, I felt useful and things were easier. Also, when I had my different jobs (cause throughout the relationship I worked here and there and earned money) I was feeling different. But, our problem wasn't money, or the fact that I was working or not. I am still struggling whether to talk about our problems or not. I do know that everyone will understand better my decision for leaving if they know what the problems were, but I still have something in me holding me back, because the big reason is so private that even the fact that no one knows my real name and face, it still makes me think 100 times before talking about it.d last year I told him I can't do it anymore, and that this is the last year I can afford to wait for a change, because time is running, and I can't wait forever, ten years are enough. I told him that by the end of the year I want to end ties with everything that isn't working and start doing what I should do to put my life back in order, even if that means it might kill me, I have to do it. And I did. I don't think he believed I would do it, because it wasn't the only time I said I would leave.
One month before I left, I told him I want to separate, that we are not working as a couple anymore, and it is not fair to either one of us to stay together in this situation and things are obviously not working anymore, and not changing either. I've told him that it is not an ultimatum, I am not trying to obtain something, that I am serious, and I will leave. It is not a game. I stayed for one month before I packed and left. One month in which we didn't speak.
After I left we had quite a few talks ... I don't think we've talked that much about some of the problems in all our 15 years together ... and he finally seemed to understand, but I still couldn't go back. I wasn't trying to be cocky or anything, but how can I believe that things will change when they haven't for ten years? Why now? Why all of a sudden there was a way? Before I was nuts ... now I am right. It doesn't work this way. I was there. For ten years I was there next to him, telling him we have a problem, telling him that I love him, and I want a family with him, and I want us to work things out. For the past year I kept telling him that I will end things if nothing changes, that I really can't do it anymore, that I am 35, and I need to change things, because time is running. Maybe I might not feel like 35, maybe I might not look like 35, but I still can't wait forever for something that never seems to change.
Leaving the house with my luggage was absolutely the hardest thing I had to do in my life so far. It broke me in ways I never thought I could be broken. It simply squeezed and torn my heart to the point that I could barely breath.
People tend to say "you wanted this". No! I didn't want this. I wanted a family with the man I loved for the past 15 years. I wanted a child with him. I married him hoping that we will live forever together. I didn't choose this. I chose to leave a situation that I could no longer be in. I chose to leave something that was killing me day by day. It took me two months to get the courage to tell him I want to separate. To actually say the words. I can not explain to you what was happening inside me the moment I left the man I had next to me for the past 15 years. To leave the place I called home for the past 13 years. I felt sick, actually sick, with nausea and headaches, and I had my rash go crazy on me - which I got during those two months when I kept trying to tell him we need to separate. That, literally, was the hardest thing and moment of my life so far.
I read somewhere that it is not hard to let go of the past, but actually it is hard to give up on the future we imagined to be. Of a possible future.
I don't hate my husband. I will never hate my husband. I will always have respect and love and compassion for my husband. If we got here, is because this is how things had to happen. Maybe this is all we had. Maybe we had less and we stretched it as much as we could. I have to believe that God has a plan for it. Maybe I had to write more, and help more people who are going through what I am going and maybe they don't have anyone to talk to, or anyone to relate to. I do believe that there is a bigger plan. That maybe I am here to help others. And I am telling you with my hand on my heart, if there are people who find comfort in this, who are helped in any way by the stories of my going through this, than I am good, and I will be good, because that means I am doing God's work, and God's plan, and this is how it had to happen. Maybe there were others who needed a voice to help them, and guide them, and all this wasn't in vain, it was to help others who needed it.
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