"You have never been wanted". These were the words I heard from a close relatives when I was just a child. It rang in my ears, and even if I did not hate or judged my parents for it, it stayed with me.
I understood there were difficult times, and it was hard for them. I was not the only child, nor the first, and they were living though times, so another child wasn't something easy to handle. I look at myself now, pushing the moment to have my own. deciding I want it and I am ready, and then changing my mind. But maybe also because I don't feel ready for it, as stupid as that might sound.
I have realized along my life that I was always looking for love. Someone to love me. To make me feel wanted. Stupid, right? Well, not so much. Because as an unwanted child, that you know you weren't wanted, you look for that. For that feeling of being wanted. Of someone loving you so much that they want all of you in their lives.
My parents never denied that they said they didn't want another child when they were pregnant with me. And I say "they were pregnant" because they both conceived me. They've explained how hard it was for them back them, and how another child meant more worries, and more struggles, and having to have more money. As I grew up and they separated, more things came to my knowledge. How they were always so jealous and used to accused each other of cheating (again, stupid, but real), how my mother was crying a lot while pregnant.
I don't want to give you a sappy story. I'm not the self pity kind (anymore). I choose not to be a victim. But I am aware that that messed up some things for me, and made me look exactly for the thing I did not have. Love.
Don't get me wrong, I felt love growing up. Even now, as an adult, they made up plenty for it. But I guess it is true what they say, that the baby takes on the things they hear, experience, feel, through the umbilical cord while in uterus. And that comes back and bites them in the ass later on. I am fighting depression, and bad thoughts since ... well, ever. I am trying to keep my mind positive and optimistic, and I try to see life in a good way, to not let myself spire back into those bad thoughts. It's not always easy. You realize that there are things you struggle to get, and no matter how much you try to keep your faith up, they hit you. Sometimes really hard. And then you realize again you wanted love. You always wanted love. And, somehow, that is the thing you haven't gotten. And it hurts.
You get the love of your parents. The love of your siblings. The love of some friends and dear people in your life. But you need that one love that rebuilds you up from inside. That unconditional love. You need your spouse love more than you need anyone's else love, because you live with them your life. And sometimes that's the hardest one to get.
I have experienced that unconditional love with my pets. They loved me so much, no matter what I did, that when they died, I felt alone. Even if I wasn't. I felt alone. And I felt like I lost love again. Because there wasn't anyone again to love me so much and make me feel loved and wanted.
Be patient. All of you who see someone asking for love, because they did not get it when they needed to, and it is a war inside them. And be patient, all of you who did not get the love you needed. Try to heal on your won somehow. Seek professional help if you think you want to.
You will be fine. Remember this. You will be fine. Eventually we all are. And when you're having a bad day, or days, try as hard as you can to pull yourself out of them. Because they are not helping you in any way if you let yourself go down. And remember that things always, always pass. So just be patient, and try to make yourself happy, cause no one else can do that from outside.
You might not have been wanted at some point before you were brought into this world. But you are now. You are loved. You are wanted. You are important. There will always be people who will love you and want you so much into their lives. Just be patient. And fight to not stay down.
You are loved. You are loved. And You are wanted. Now go change the world, cause you have everything you need in you 💓
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