Forgiveness

Somebody hurt my feelings pretty bad a short while back and I have to admit that this is still tormenting me. I keep finding myself remembering what she said, the way she said it, her intention to hurt me by ruining a beautiful moment for me, and it still make me so nervous that I just froze and said nothing ... I just let myself get hurt and didn't reply to it. Why? Because you grow up being taught that you shouldn't respond hate with hate, that you have to be the bigger person and let it go, that bad people aren't good Christians, and so on...

So you keep quiet. You let yourself get it without striking back. And the moment passes ... everything goes back to how it used to be, the friend acts like nothing happened, and you think that maybe it was a good idea for not reacting ... until she does it again, and then all you think of is that she would have never had the audacity to do it again if you would have stand up for yourself in the first place.

So this time you can't forgive, and you can't forget, and you're tossing and turning all night long reliving the moment over and over again, telling her everything you wanted to say in the first place. But, that still doesn't help. You still feel the knot in the stomach, the rush of blood through your veins and the ache that is taking over your entire head.

Time passes also, but this time you find yourself not forgiving the person anymore. You still go out from time to time, talk, spend time together, but you never trust her again, because something inside you isn't letting you forget anymore the pain you felt the last time.

So ... I am asking myself ... can we really forgive people? Are we forgiving but not forgetting? Are we really forgiving them if we can't forget what happened? I do know the saying "I forgave you, I just can't forget", but maybe we don't actually forgive.

Have you seen how you tend to hold back when it comes to someone who hurt you repeatedly in the past? You don't share secrets anymore, or personal information, you don't look for that person anymore and you just change towards her.



Photo credit: image from pixabay edited by me


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