How To Leave?

I know you are not understanding this. Any of it. And I wish I could explain it to you. You see me change and you react nervous to the new me. I understand. That's you. You need to be held and guided, taken by the hand and set on the right direction with the specific instruction. And even then, you are not following, because you want to be different.

I can't anymore. I can't chase us anymore. I can't fight for both of us anymore. I don't have the patience to wait anymore for things to change. Maybe because I finally understood they are not changing. Change was never the option, it was only my dream. I want to set us free, because I finally understood this is nothing more than a friendship, and I need more than that. The only problem is, when you spend so many years together, you don't know how to put an end to everything. You get so many mixed feelings and emotions. Feel guilt for wanting to leave, for not trying more, but if trying for years isn't enough, I don't know what is.

I am on a different path, and I want to talk to you about it. I come to you so happy and motivated by the new me, and you shut me down. Your eyes, your face, your mimic. They all shut me down. So I'm closing a bit more inside, again. I want to be happy about this without worrying that my change will offend you in any way.

This has always been the case with us. Me trying something new, and you rejecting it immediately. In the beginning it was nice, because I thought this is your way of protecting me, of wanting better for me, but in time I understood that you were trying to keep me in. Maybe you were afraid to lose me, I don't know. But you should have trusted me more. You should have trusted that I loved you so much that leaving was never an option for me. Keeping me locked only made me want to break free.

I have no idea how to do this now. After being under your wing for so long, failing at everything I wanted, how am I going to make it? I have moments when I have so many hopes, and I can practically see the path I will go on, but then I get scared, thinking what if it won't work? What if after all this time, all my love, all these years, I will be the one still suffering?



Photo credit: pixabay

 

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