I have heard people talking about how your inner confrontations, and the unbalance of your life can affect your health, but until you actually experiment it on your own, it is all just a tale. You know you have a decision to make, one that will change every thing around you, and turn your life, as you knew it, at 180.
You experiment every inch of your body itching like crazy. Places that you never knew could itch, you find out not only that it can, but it can do it for so long that it just drives you nuts. Your whole body is aching, and you feel every single muscle contracting and hurting. And your heart ... your heart is hurting worst than everything put together. And no medicine is helping. Because there isn't anything that can help, except you, making that decision, and having no idea what you will do next.
Where will you go? How will you get by? You've started a business that isn't working, but you can't quite shut it down because you've invested a lot in it, and if you can barely keep it floating now, you hope that if you last a bit longer, it might actually take off and start bringing money, saving you financially.
You have the parent's house, but you also have your divorced parents living in it, and they make you their referee every time you're there. Now imagine living with them again. Like it's not bad enough on your mental health that your moving back with your parents in your 30's.
When everybody else is starting their families, or enjoying what they built years ago, you're crushing your life, and starting over. Alone. No family of your own. No children. No job. No money. And a business that eats up every minute you have available in every day, without rewarding you in any way financially.
You've been down. So down that you felt flat on the bathroom floor. It took a long time, and quite a lot of therapy and external help to get back on track. And now you realize that everything you fought so hard to get back to was all in your head: the idea that things will change, that he will fall in love with you again ... if you say this, if you do that, if you agree to this ... when is it ever going to be enough? Enough hoping, enough believing, enough waiting?
People tend to say "try more". How much more? Does anyone know the years you've tried for? The tears you shed? The emptiness in your heart you felt every day? The ache of your soul? The fake smile you've learned to show when you felt like screaming from the top of your lungs, roaring like a lion? The desire to end all. The illusion you sold yourself that at some point it will be better again? If I lose that much weight, if I do more make-up, if I act like this, if I wear that ... When is it enough for everybody to say "she did everything, it just wasn't working anymore"?
You never know how your life will turn out. Nobody says "I do" thinking is going to be fun for a year or two, and then they'll see. They all say it forever. Hoping it will be forever. Believing their love could never diminish that much to get to divorce. And yet, that happens.
How is it all going to be? How will you survive, when all you have is yourself?
Photo credit: pixabay
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