First Time

He used to fixate me with his look. Every time I was passing by, he was there, looking straight into my eyes. I wanted to move my look, but I never seemed to could. It wasn’t love or anything, but ... it was nice. I knew he liked me, I could see it in his eyes. In the way he was reacting when I was showing up.

I remember the day he started seeing me differently. We saw each other on the street, each moving to a different direction, he saw me and had a shift. Something happened in that moment when he caught my look. I don’t know if I can explain it. I see it in the people that fall in love. That moment when you see someone you’ve seen a million times before, but now you really see them. His eyes got bigger, he had a little flinch, and he was looking as if he would see me for the first time, with a combination of “I hoped I will see you today”.

On another day we met again on the street. He introduced himself and acted just like a school boy. He was goofy, and weird and cute, all at the same time. I was wondering what his name was, and now I knew.  It was nothing like the name I had for him in my head, but I was expecting to be something else.

He asked if I was alone, and I told him my husband is on his way home. It was weird. It was the first time when I said “husband” with a quieter voice. I wasn’t trying to hide that I had a husband, he knew I did, he seen him. I just knew he wasn’t acting like a husband for a long time, and I felt weird calling him that. Giving him the attribute of what he stopped being years ago. I had guys gushing over me before, and some of them I found them to be really cute and would have liked something more if I hadn't been in a relationship, but this time was so different that it surprised me. I wasn’t thinking at anything romantic towards the man in front of me, yet, it was the first time I didn’t want to give my husband the attribute that he wasn’t making use of anymore. It was the first time that I wished I was free.

We both left, each for his home, but something changed. I don’t know from his part, but for me it did. I was left with this feeling of emptiness, wanting to break out and stop all this “relationship” which wasn’t consuming as a marriage, but it wasn’t letting me be free either.

I said I won’t love again. Maybe this is what’s stopping me from feeling anything like that towards this cute guy that was clearly interested in me.

I am honoring something that isn’t there anymore. And I can’t help wondering, “is he honoring our partnership too? or is this just a one way street?”



Photo credit: pixabay

 

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