I was in my twenties when my mother called me one day and told me that she and my father weren't getting along anymore. I was at work. And my world came crushing down. I thought that maybe they had a fight, and they are just upset about it, but they will get over it, but she told me this was going on for a few years, and there is no possibility of mending things.
I called my sister and she said she knew ... for a few years. I was so upset. So upset. I didn't knew anymore what made me more upset? The fact that my parents were talking separation, or the fact that I was the only one who had no idea about it? They tried to protect me, as they said, and that is why they only told my older sister.
Little did I knew then that not telling me was, in a way, a gift. And I am saying this because what came next screw me kinda screw me.
The day I found out I went home having no idea how I got there. At some point I broke and cried for a long time. I was in my twenties, I was living with my husband who was my boyfriend back then, and I couldn't understand what happened with my parents. They were my guide, my role model. I remembered my father kneeling in front on my mother when she was on the couch and playing, making her laugh, loving her. I remember her hugging him, and loving him. I remember them doing everything together. I remember me hoping I get at least half the happiness they had. And now I was finding out they weren't the same persons anymore.
For the following years to come, I was the referee. I was the one they called when they were fighting, actually asking me to come there and help them settle things. I was the one they were confessing contemplation of ending everything and going to God. And even remembering all this feels like I'm about to throw up.
I was living in the same city as they did, while my sister moved to a different one due to work, so after they told me, I was the one they kept calling.
I was having my own problems, and now I was adding these to the mixture. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I got other problems as well - my sister lost a pregnancy, I lost someone that I didn't left things quite alright with - and all that broke really bad at some point, so I ended up in therapy.
I've told them after a while that I was seeing a psychologist, and with that help, I got the power to say "I don't want to know anymore; you need to figure things out on your own". It didn't last. Nothing used to. They were ending up telling me about what else was happening, or what they were fighting about now. Everything stopped, really stopped, for a large period of time, when I ended up in the hospital. It wasn't related to everything going on, I just happened to get a really bad bacteria which messed with me a bit, but seeing me in the hospital bed, while the doctors didn't know what was wrong (it took about a week to find the cause) made them stop involving me in their problems.
I was in such state mentally, that the whole time I was in the hospital felt like a vacation. When they told me they will release me in a few days, I had tears in my eyes thinking that once I get out, I'll just get back to everything that broke me in the first place, and I didn't wanted to. I really, honestly, didn't want to leave the hospital and get back to everything.
I used to think that maybe if they found a way to remember how they were, how much they loved each other, they will find those feeling inside and get back together. I didn't wanted them to get a divorce. I wanted them to get back together. I still do. But there were a lot of moments when I told them to get a divorce. Because I couldn't take it anymore.
I was missing them, so I was visiting them, but every visit was a struggle. One was pretending like nothing was going on, the other was always pocking ... it was a mess. I was upset because I wanted to see them, but I was always leaving upset from there. I wanted my parents back. It didn't matter that I was in my 20's, or 30's ... I wanted my parents back.And not necessarily together, but for them to get along. To be able to stay in the same room without always turning it into a fight.
It doesn't matter how old you are, when your parents separate, you suffer. Your world is changing. And these changes can never go back.
It is not ok to use your child. NEVER. The divorce or separation takes place between the two of you. Your child SHOULDN'T have to choose sides. NEVER. Your child is already going through a change of it's own, don't make your child the referee, the currency, or the tool to hurt the other person. Do not even imply to your child that the other person is bad, while you are all milk and honey. If you are the one talking, you are the one they will perceive as the "villain", not the other person.
You should not stay in a bad relationship, no matter how many children you might have. Remember that I was asking my parents to get a divorce, while I was hoping they will get back together. I wanted them back as they were, not like that. Every time they were fighting, I was telling them to get a divorce. Children will be happier with two separated parents who get along, rather than with two parents who stay together for them, but they fight constantly, and puts them in the middle.
You child is not your best friend. It is your child, and he loves both of you. Don't tell your problems to your child. Call a friend, go to a psychologist, sit next to someone in the park and tell them, but don't tell your child everything that worked bad in your relationship. In this situation, your child IS NOT your friend, it is your child, and you are talking about his other parent.
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